The Diamond Problem

When I first wrote about the incredibly obscure 1991 Diamond Brothers television series, I really wasn't expecting to get the response I did. I have received many, many e-mails and tweets on this subject -- more than everything else I've written about put together. People digging out old TV listings to prove the series actually did exist. Supportive and informative messages from those who remembered watching the original and only broadcasts. People putting me onto the trail of other information, and where I could possibly track down a copy. The second post in this series -- as far as I am aware, the first time any visual record of the series had ever been posted online -- is the most-viewed post on this blog by some distance.

But before there was the 1991 series of the third Diamond Brothers book, there was the 1988 film of their first adventure, which also starred Colin Dale and Dursley McLinden as the brothers and was also adapted by Anthony Horowitz from his own novel (the film's director, Stephen Bayly, served as an executive producer of the TV series). And, thanks to one of those correspondents, Simon Drake, I've learned that the film has its own interesting story. Here's what Simon had to say on the matter:

In the mid 2000s, I picked up a DVD of Just Ask For Diamond, a childhood favourite that i'd had on VHS for years. When I watched the DVD, I was convinced it was missing a load of Nick Diamond voice over and some other bits. I used to regularly post on the IMDB forums asking if anyone else's DVD was incomplete from their VHS, but no one really responded. I picked up a couple of different JAFD DVD releases (there were several versions on multipacks) thinking they might contain the extended voice over and they all seemed to be missing what I was sure I'd remembered being in the film. 

So I spent £20 on a VHS copy, and did a side by side comparison. And I can confirm the VHS version from the early 90s and the UK DVD release do differ. 

The most significant being the drastically reduced voice over from the VHS version. The DVD is missing loads of the noir voice over from Nick. From what i can tell, most of the missing lines relate to more adult themes like violence, (even if it's comedic) or references to drinking. For example 'the tramp stank of wine, his dog whined and stank' or 'Lawrence's two way glasses reflected the hole of the bullet that went two way through them'. There's a vague reference to Nick getting drunk on champagne. They've also cut out a line about Brenda Von Falconberg's crocodile eating her pussycat.

I don't know if the UK dvd version was the American/overseas edit. The opening credits keep the title as Just ask for Diamond, instead of Diamonds Edge as it was called in the US, so i'm not sure. But it's possible the censors may have toned down some of the dialogue/tone for the family market for a US edit and that was shoved on the DVD.

The VHS is also slightly longer, with a couple of additional or extended scenes and some alternative takes. 
VHS runtime - 1.29.45
DVD runtime - 1.20.10

The extended runtime could also be because of the VHS framerate (generally 29 fps) compared to the 25 fps of the dvd format, so runs at a different speed. As well as the US NTSC to UK Pal conversion can cause timing issues too.

The dvd is released through a company called Hollywood DVD limited. They have a lot of US films in their collections and from what I understand about distribution companies, they buy bulk groups of genre films to re-package or release in multipacks. 
Some of the combinations of films on their dvd packs are quite baffling. You've got a childrens' comedy like this that is combined with an 18 certificate neo Nazi drama or a Kirk Douglas World War 2 film. Very strange.

The company seems to have been based in the UK but it looks like the company dissolved around 2004 so i've not been able to get any verification from their acquisitions team.
I'm glad my memory was right, and I now have the complete VHS version. It's a shame to lose the additional voice over on the dvd as it's got the typical Horowitz wit and keeps the atmosphere of the film noir parody with a touch more danger.

Simon also provided me with a copy of the VHS edit of the film and a list of differences between the two versions -- I am enormously grateful to him for not only this, but also for giving me permission to reproduce his list of differences here. I have made some notes of my own, but the list of differences is what he sent me. (All timings are relative to the VHS version.)

05.45 - Additional Nick voiceover
"So this was our new client. A small guy, but I got the idea he was in big trouble."

This is one of many lines of narration from Nick that is on the VHS version, but absent on the DVD. Note that no video is cut -- the only changes are that the voiceover has been removed, and the background music is different (a jazzy sort of number in the version with the narration, something different and more dramatic without).

07.37 - Additional dialogue by Tim
After Johnny Naples has left, Nick looks at the package. The dialogue in red is only in the VHS version:

Nick: "I think we ought to look at the package."
Tim: "Now listen Nick, I've been paid to keep my eyes open and the package shut. You heard what he said. So okay, maybe he was a South American dwarf but he's my client. And the package stays here!"

I've got it down as "and the package stays here" (Simon's list just had the cut dialogue), but Dursley McLinden delivers the word in an odd way -- it could also be heard as "now", meaning the shorter version avoids a non sequitur.

07.58 - Additional shot/edited Nick voiceover
The next scene is of Nick counting out £10 notes to give to Mr Patel, followed by a shot of Mr Patel putting up a "CHARLADY WANTED" sign in the door of the newsagents. Nick has a voiceover during this:

"We spent half the money paying off Mr Patel. But that still left enough to advertise for a new cleaning lady. Herbert couldn't afford to pay the old one. We blew the rest on a decent meal and a movie. I let Herbert choose the movie - after all, he was paying for it."

The scene and dialogue in red are only on the VHS version. The cut-down voiceover on the DVD version has been moved so it now appears over the shot of Mr Patel putting the sign up (on the VHS edit it began over the scene of Nick giving Mr Patel the money, which has been excised from the DVD's cut.)

09.50 - Additional Nick voiceover

Another cut bit of narration, when the brothers return to the office to find it's been trashed:

"While we'd been out enjoying ourselves, somebody had gone through the office with a fine tooth comb. Only forget the comb, these people had used sledge hammers."

As with the first piece of missing narration, no video has been cut during this, and this time the music is the same.

12.26 - Extended scene with additional dialogue
When the Diamond Brothers first meet the Fat Man, a few extra lines on the VHS release:

The Fat Man: "My doctor advised me that I need to lose weight, and so he put me on the 'F' plan diet, which means I am only allowed to eat food on Fridays. What do you think?"

Nick: "Why don't you call yourself The Thin Man?"
The Fat Man: "I have retained my sobriquet for professional purposes. Now, Timothy, if I may so call you, let's get down to business."

14.21 - Additional Nick voiceover

Another Nick narration on the DVD release (once again, no other changes other than to remove the narration, which from now on will always be the case unless I say otherwise):

"It was obvious we were going to have to open that package. We'd promised not to, but better a broken promise than a broken neck. For once Herbert agreed, and we hurried straight back to the flat. But as things turned out, the package was going to have to wait."

17.27 - Additional Nick voiceover

And another!

"A label on a plain brown envelope, it wasn't much of a clue. But then, Johnny Naples wasn't much of a client. His £100 had bought us a load of trouble."

18.53 - Additional dialogue

Newsagent: "You'll find him in the hotel at the end of the road. Hotel Splendide."

Nick: "How do you know that?"

Newsagent: "Oh, the owner buys his magazines here."

Tim: "And what's his name?"
Newsagent: "Jack Splendide."

18.58 - Additional Nick voiceover

"The Hotel Splendide was in the shadow of the railway station. The sort of place you might chose if you didn't want to be found. Outside, there was a drunk in the gutter who stank of wine. And an Alsatian who whined, and stank."

21.41 - Additional Nick voiceover

"The Hotel Splendide had been under police surveillance from the start. The drunk was a plain clothed policeman. The Alsatian was a plain clothed police dog."

With this voiceover missing, as it is on the DVD's edit, the audience are left to fill in the blank when the drunk from outside the hotel suddenly bursts in to the hotel room with a gun.

21.51 - Additional Nick voiceover

Immediately after the last piece of missing-on-the-DVD narration:

"In charge of it all was a top man from the yard, a guy called Snape."

26.30 - Additional shots

At the police station, Snape shows the Diamond Brothers pictures and biographies of all the main players in the story. When he gets to Gott and Himmell, the Falcon's right-hand men, there are the following shots:

• Gott and Himmell at Eton - Snape says "expelled for suspected manslaughter"
• Gott and Himmell disguised as cactuses (first shown as a long-shot, then a close-up showing two eyeholes in one of the cactuses) - "Gott and Himmel are masters of disguise"
• A photo of Gott and Himmell at an airport - "they followed Naples to London. They're here now, and they're deadly."

The highlighted shot of them disguised as cactuses is cut from the short edit, but the "masters of disguise" line is still there, just moved so it comes over the photo of them at the airport, with the words "they followed Naples to London" cut out so it can fit.

31.08 - Additional Nick voiceover

The following is deleted in its entirety:

"The Casablanca Club was full of shady customers wearing made to measure suits, with matching ties and shoulder holsters. They were really making me feel I really belonged. And I realised that Johnny Naples must have been a real big shot around here. But why?"

31.58 - Extended "My Little Guy" song

"My Little Guy", a song specially written by Horowitz for the film and performed by Susannah York as Lauren Bacardi, is only heard in full on the VHS. I am very proud to present the full lyrics here, with the deletions on the DVD's edit in red.

Who needs a guy

With a twinkle in his eye

I don't wanna meet the perfect man

I don't look for the physique

That makes a woman weak

I tell you honey, I don't give a damn

I don't want a man with an all-year-round tan

I just want a guy who's right for me

Just so long as he has got a Mercedes and a yacht

I don't care if he's only five foot three

He's my little guy

He may be pint-sized

But he's the right size for me

At this point in the VHS Nick's narration ("So, Johnny had a girlfriend") overlaps with the lyrics, but it cuts in suddenly on the DVD's edit due to the final three lines being cut.

32.28 - Additional Nick voiceover

"So, Johnny had a girlfriend" survives in the DVD's edit, but the rest is cut out:

"A faded nightclub singer who'd seen it all. And sang about most of it. Lauren Bacardi. She was a woman and a half, and even the half would be too much for me."

35.44 - Extended scene with additional dialogue
After Lauren gets called away by a man with flowers who turns out to be Gott:

Nick: "Since when did you have to sign for a bunch of flowers?"

Tim: "I don't know. Nobody ever sent me flowers! Typical German bureaucracy."

Nick: "German?"
Tim: "The guy had a German accent."

Nick [running after Lauren and Gott]: "German!"

35.57 - Additional Nick voiceover

Deleted in its entirety:

"I should have recognised the German. But maybe the watered down champagne had less water in it than I thought?"

38.21 - Additional Nick voiceover

"We weren't the only ones who'd come to see the Falcon buried. That had to be Brenda von Falconburg. The black widow. She might have been a great actress once, but her crocodile tears weren't fooling me."

38.28 - Additional Nick voiceover

"But who was the old guy, propping up the gravestone? A friend of the Falcon's? Or just somebody looking for an empty grave?"

39.26 - Additional Nick dialogue

After Snape and his associate Boyle catch up with the brothers at the funeral:

Snape: "We'll catch up with you later." [He walks off, but Boyle stays observing the brothers for a moment. Snape returns:] "Boyle..."

[With a last glare at Nick, Boyle follows.]

Nick: "He's a lot of fun."

40.54 - Additional Nick voiceover

Yet another voiceover hits the cutting room floor entirely.

"The cemetery. The Falcon. The Dwarf and the Maltesers. Nothing added up. Nothing made sense. Perhaps I'd have figured it out if I'd been given more time. But like the Fat Man had said, our time had run out."

41.15 - Additional Nick voiceover

Right after that, Nick and Tim find the body of Lawrence in their flat, and this is cut entirely:

"He was lying stretched out on the desk. His one way sunglasses shattered by the bullet that had gone one way through them."

Since Tim immediately asks Nick who it is, and Nick tells him, viewers of the DVD aren't confused by this getting cut.

41.40 - Additional Nick voiceover

"It seemed to be open season on Tim Diamond Inc. Any more break-ins, and there'd be nothing left to break. But they were all wasting their time. The Maltesers were safely in my pocket. Shame no one told Lawrence."

This time there is video cut; this voiceover plays over Nick walking around the flat, trying to see how Lawrence and his killer got in, and a few seconds of that are removed in the version sans voiceover.

42.33 - Additional Nick dialogue

When Nick and Tim are locked up in the police station:

Tim: "Maybe I'm not cut out to be a private detective after all."

Nick: "What makes you think that?"

Tim: "Well, I'm wanted for two murders, the Fat Man wants to kill me, my client is dead, my office has been torn apart, and I haven't actually been able to detect anything..."

Nick: "You may have a point."

Tim: "I'll tell Snape everything."

43.29 - Additional Nick voiceover

"Whoever says crime doesn't pay should have seen the Falcon's place. It was the sort of house I'd have dreams about. But I'd have to take out a mortgage just to pay for the dream."

44.57 - Additional dialogue.
Nick: "I've never been threatened with an alligator before!"

Brenda: "He's my pet."

Nick: "Have you ever thought about pussycats?"
Brenda: "He ate the pussycats."

45.30 - Additional scene. Int. Brenda Von Falkenberg house.
After the scene where Nick meets Brenda's alligator, this entire scene is cut from the short version:

Brenda: "The Maltesers mean nothing to you. But bring them to me and I'll pay you £500."
Nick: "I thought you said you didn't have any money?"
Brenda: "How much do you think I'd get for a set of alligator skin suitcases?"
Nick: "About £500..."
Brenda: "You know where to find me."
Nick: "See you later, alligator."

48.30 - Additional Nick voiceover

Another entire section of voiceover removed with no other changes, after Nick meets the Professor:

"And he thought he could pull a fast one on me. Well he wasn't quite fast enough. And now I'd let him lead me to the diamonds, and find out what the Maltesers were all about. At least, that was the general idea. But it seemed that I'd been talking to the wrong general..."

48:50 - Additional Nick dialogue

After Nick is abducted by Gott and Himmell:

Himmell: "We just thought we would invite you to tea."

Nick: "Well next time, try sending me a card."

49.18 - Additional Nick voiceover

"William Gott and Eric Himmell. Or was it William Himmell and Eric Gott? Either way, it was trouble."

53.59 - Additional Nick voiceover

"I had maybe ten minutes before they got back from St Pancras. And this time, it wouldn't be waltzes and teacakes."

56.04 - Additional Nick voiceover

"Lauren Bacardi lived in a basement flat somewhere south of the river. The place had more security grills than a bank. But nothing worth taking when you were inside."

This one, played over Lauren and Nick approaching Lauren's flat, is interesting -- the VHS' version doesn't have any music playing, but the DVD's does, a pleasant, jaunty sort of tune.

59.02 - Additional Nick voiceover

"Lauren's hangover had disappeared by midday and we headed to Selfridges to shop for clues. It was there that Johnny Naples had worked it all out. Lauren had started to tell me at the Casablanca Club. Unfortunately she had told someone else as well. And there they were, just waiting for us to turn up."

(The "someone else" are Gott and Himmell; there's a dialogue exchange a few seconds later that explains why they're there, avoiding a plot hole of them being there by pure luck.)

01.02.02 - Extended footage

To escape Gott and Himmell, Nick runs into the Selfridges' Christmas display. In the full version, there's a sequence where Nick runs into a toy house and disguises himself as an elf, which is cut from the short version, amounting to about 30 seconds removed in total. Nick starts and ends the sequence right outside the house, and the edited version starts again immediately after he's pulled off his disguise, so there are no continuity issues.

01.03.01 - Extended footage

When Nick runs into Santa -- er, Uncle Holly's -- grotto, he accidentally knocks an old man to the ground; in the VHS version only, the man's granddaughter says "Are you okay, granddad?" as she helps him up (just before he's knocked down again by Himmell).

01.03.16 - Additional Nick dialogue

After Himmell shoots and kills the Santa Claus expy (presumably they don't use the actual Santa Claus himself, as they did in the book, to try and make things less distressing) Nick runs off, but stops to tell a boy in the queue "Hey, Uncle Holly's alright"; he doesn't in the DVD's edit.

01.04.31 - Additional Nick voiceover

"What had Johnny Naples seen in Selfridges? Somehow I was sure I'd seen it too. But what? I just had to let my mind go blank. So it seemed like a good time to visit Herbert."

This is originally heard over Nick exiting the tube station and walking up to the police station; the latter is cut in the version without the voiceover.

01.05.05 - Additional Nick voiceover

"I couldn't feel too sorry for Herbert. He'd had it easy. While he'd been sitting here, I'd been threatened, hit over the head, kidnapped, chased and shot at. I wondered what he'd say when he heard about my close escape?"

This is played over a sequence of a policeman unlocking Herbert's cell door to let Nick in; in the version without the voiceover, this sequence ends with the policeman in the process of unlocking the door, whereas in the full version we see him open the door, let Nick in and close it behind him.

01.06.53 - Additional dialogue
When Mr Patel explains to Nick how barcodes work:

Patel: "Like Morse code..."

Nick: "Could the barcode and the computer do something else? Could they unlock something for example?"
Patel: "Of course. It could make you a cup of tea if you programmed it properly."

Nick: "Can we run our Maltesers through this?"

01.07.30 - Additional Nick voiceover

"The cash till was still smouldering when we left. So was Mr Patel."

01.10.55 - Additional Nick voiceover

After Nick is abducted by the Fat Man's goons:

"I asked them who they worked for, and they told me. It was the last two words I'd wanted to hear."

01.11.14 - Extended scene

As the Fat Man prepares to give Nick a pair of concrete shoes:

Goon: "In!"

Nick: "No, thanks. I've already had a bath today."

Goon: "Just do it, kid."

[The three goons point their guns at Nick.]

Nick: "Alright! Okay!"

01.11.34 - Additional Nick voiceover

"Quick wasn't the word. Ten minutes later I tried to wiggle my toes and was out of luck. The way that stuff was setting I couldn't even wiggle my knees. I'll say one thing for the Fat Man, he may have been a complete psycho but he had a certain style."

The scenes of Nick struggling in the quick-drying cement are trimmed a few seconds to account for the absence of this voiceover.

01.13.24 - Additional Nick dialogue

As the goons drag Nick, stuck in the cement, towards the river, there's a line of his which appears to have been muted on the DVD rather than any footage being cut: "If the NSPCC ever hears of this..."

01.14.00 - Extended footage

During the shootout scene, a few seconds of gunfire are cut.

01.15.57 - Additional Nick voiceover

"Never had a hot bath felt so good. As I washed the concrete from between my toes..."

The establishing shot of the bathroom is also trimmed along with the first half of the voiceover.

01.17.35 - Additional Nick voiceover

"Then I remembered. The Fat Man had given us his card."

01.18.27 - Additional Nick voiceover and extended scene

"I had one more call to make. Only this time, I didn't need to look up the number."

After this voiceover, in the VHS edit Nick dials a three-digit number on the phone -- the obvious indication being he's phoning the police. With this voiceover missing and that bit cut on the DVD, the police's presence comes as a surprise to the viewer of that edit. (In the original book, Nick makes "one last phone call", which is not specified but is said to cost him three and a half million pounds, so most readers could probably figure it out from that information.)

01.20.25 - Additional Nick dialogue

Nick: "'The shining light' refers to a light beam of some sort. That ought to be a laser. But what the professor had built here was the world's first solar powered barcode reader. Daylight activates the solar panels. You run your barcode through here" -- [he runs a barcode through the mouth of the falcon decorating the Falcon's grave; as he says this next bit, a secret panel on the memorial opens up] -- "and provided you've got the right barcode... there you have it. The Falcon's diamonds."

A very strange edit which makes the whole scene look odd.

01.24.41 - Different timing of the final Nick voiceover

Nick's final voiceover, which begins "It was Lauren Bacardi, of course," is present in both versions, but it starts significantly earlier in the DVD's edit; there, it starts at the opening of the scene with the postman approaching the brothers' flat, whereas on the VHS it doesn't begin until the postman has walked away, leaving Nick looking at the post. The DVD's edit then omits a shot of Nick walking back up the stairs which originally had voiceover on it, meaning the final lines of the voiceover appear in the same place on both versions.

01.26.54 - Different end credit music

On the VHS edit, the closing credits feature the same song (the ridiculously catchy "Just Ask for Diamond", written and sung by the Wee Papa Girl Rappers) that played over the opening credits. The DVD, however, features an instrumental piece (with a female singer singing "just ask for Diamond" twice at the start) that sounds similar, but I don't think is quite the same.

And then there's this, which is such a mindblowing revelation that I have to take the credit for noticing it:

As you can see, the DVD's credits use a different screen for the songwriting credits, which omits any mention of the title theme or the Wee Papa Girl Rappers, despite the fact the song still appears over the opening credits. (Having only previously had access to the DVD version before Simon sent me a copy of the VHS edit, I'd always been curious about who wrote and sang the theme tune, and was delighted to get that little mystery cleared up.)

So, the big question is: What the bloody hell is going on?

I don't know why the two different edits exist, or even which one was shown theatrically. I suspect Simon was on to something when he suggested the removal of violence or adult themes, but both the VHS and DVD release manage to get away with 'U' certificates, and there's still a fair amount of violence even in the DVD's edit. (I very much doubt the DVD's edit was done specifically for it -- this was an el cheapo vanilla release, and whoever prepared the shorter edit must have had access to the original footage for the scenes where there was originally a voiceover.) Without further information, such as which was shown where, and when, I've no solid reasoning as to why there are two different edits at all.

The other big mystery is why the credits for the title theme are missing on the shorter version. But here's something else where I think Simon was right, or at least on the right track: in the US, the film was retitled Diamond's Edge. Maybe the opening titles were going to be completely replaced for the American edit, and this short version somehow relates to that? That can't be the whole story, of course, since the DVD's edit still has the original titles. Is this an incomplete or unused edit, then? Maybe when they came to do the DVD release, they noticed the discrepancy with the title and pasted on the original title sequence? But then if they had access to that, surely they'd have had access to the full version as released on VHS, so why not use that?

Unless another edit turns up, or someone who saw the film in cinemas in 1988 comes forward, we can only guess.

Once again, I cannot thank Simon Drake enough for all his hard work, and letting me share it with you