Well, having just covered a history of The News Quiz and Just a Minute in Radio Times listings, it seems only natural that we wrap up Radio 4 Comedy Panel Show Listings Month with I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. (It's a real shame The Unbelievable Truth only arrived on the scene long after the custom of specially-written listings had stopped.)
The very first listing on 11 April 1972 describes the show as "a panel game (?)". Fitting. When the show returned for its second series on 30 April 1973, this had changed to the more familiar "the antidote to panel games".
It was still described as such when the show returned for its fifth run, on 6 March 1977. However, up until this point, they'd always been under the "supervision" of Humphrey Lyttelton in the chair. Not so now, as each week the show, Humph and pianist Colin Sell would have a different descriptor:
"In which Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Willie Rushton wage war according to the Geneva Convention of Humphrey Lyttelton in the chair..."
"Prescribed by Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Willie Rushton with a second opinion from Humphrey Lyttelton in the chair, and the tonic sol-fa of Colin Sell at the piano..."
"To be taken in the form of Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Willie Rushton with justice dispensed with by Humphrey Lyttelton in the chair and the music therapy by Colin Sell at the piano..."
"Being a bout of verbal fisticuffs between Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer and Tim Brooke-Taylor and Willie Rushton with a blind eye turned by Humphrey Lyttelton in the chair and coats held by Colin Sell at the piano..."
"The battle between Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Willie Rushton is broken up by Humphrey Lyttelton in the chair, while Colin Sell hides behind the piano..."
"With Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Willie Rushton on the sofas, Humphrey Lyttelton in the chair and Colin Sell on the piano stool..."
"In which Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer vie with Willie Rushton and Tim Brooke-Taylor for this year's Golden Dustbin Award. Points deducted by Humphrey Lyttelton in the chair, notes taken by Colin Sell at the piano and fingers crossed by the producer Geoffrey Perkins..."
"Some 20 seconds of questions from Humphrey Lyttelton in the chair and a few random chords from Colin Sell at the piano..."
"Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer star in this antidote to panel games starring Willie Rushton and Tim Brooke-Taylor with Humphrey Lyttelton as the star chairman and Colin Sell as the star pianist..."
"Thrills, spills and anticlimax in the antidote to panel games. Tim Brooke-Taylor and Willie Rushton compete with Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer who dispute with chairman Humphrey Lyttelton who falls out over a trifle with pianist Colin Sell who sides with the producer Geoffrey Perkins..."
"Once again Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden, Barry Cryer and Willie Rushton play a set of absurd games that are largely unsuitable for radio..."
Later on, the listings stopped being bound by such a template:
"The show that is to panel games what Red Indians were to the buffaloes."
"Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Willie Rushton put the 'um' in humour."
"Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Willie Rushton increase the sales of televisions."
"Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer take arms against a sea of Willie Rushton and Tim Brooke-Taylor."
"Tim Brooke-Taylor and Willie Rushton take on Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden for the last time - Hurray!"
"Tim Brooke-Taylor and Willie Rushton pit their wits, and after they've buried them take on Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer."
"Tim Brooke-Taylor, Willie Rushton, Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer bring their own unique brand of sandwiches to this antidote to panel games."
"Graeme Garden, Barry Cryer, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Willie Rushton play some of the games that killed the art of conversation."
"Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden are six down with two to play so Willie Rushton and Tim Brooke-Taylor are now certain to lose. Chairman Humphrey Lyttelton will make sure everyone loses."
"Another nail-biting contest, in which Willie Rushton and Tim Brooke-Taylor attempt to bite their nails faster than Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer."
You can see another change in style to these listings around the time Paul Mayhew-Archer takes over as producer:
"Can Willie Rushton and Tim Brooke-Taylor win with a cross-court volley to silly mid-on or have Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer got them snookered behind the goal? Referee: Humphrey Lyttelton."
"Tim Brooke-Taylor and Willie Rushton challenge Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden to a live parliamentary debate. Order will be maintained by the Speaker, Humphrey Lyttelton. Master of the Piano Rolls: Colin Sell. Official Recorder: Paul Mayhew-Archer."
"The Grand Final. Can Willie Rushton and Tim Brooke-Taylor defeat Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer? Only by listening to this thrilling edition will you discover that they can't."
"Mornington Crescent on Ice. Denise Coffey and Graeme Garden execute a triple salko. Tim Brooke-Taylor and Willie Rushton clear it up. Skating over the rules: Humphrey Lyttelton. Skating over the keys: Matthew Scott. Cutting no ice: Paul Mayhew-Archer."
"The antidote to panel games. (Also available as a blank video.) Tim Brooke-Taylor and Willie Rushton v Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden. On the button: Humphrey Lyttelton. On the keys: Colin Sell. On the skids: Paul Mayhew-Archer."
"The Grand Final. Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden lose yet again, as do Tim Brooke-Taylor and Willie Rushton. Giving instructions: Humphrey Lyttelton. Giving musical assistance: Colin Sell. Giving up: Paul Mayhew-Archer."
"This new series is recorded in super-wide track binaural Quad which is of wonderful quality, incredibly expensive and far too advanced for any listener's radio."
"Fill in the missing words and win a [BLANK]. Willie Rushton and Tim [BLANK]-Taylor challenge Graeme Garden and [BLANK] Cryer. Chairman Humphrey [BLANK]. Pianist Colin Sell. [BLANK] Paul Mayhew-Archer assisted by [BLANK]."
"Win a holiday in Honolulu by filling in this gap: King's Cross, [BLANK], Mornington Crescent, and sending this billing plus a cheque for £3,000 to Willie Rushton, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden..."
"Barry Cryer, Willie Rushton and Graeme Garden join Mike Harding, who replaces Tim Brooke-Taylor who couldn't be bothered to show up."
"Free trial listening. If not completely satisfied with the quality of Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden, Barry Cryer and Willie Rushton, please keep quiet about it."
"This space was reserved for details of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, but they haven't arrived. Anyhow, it probably involves Tim Brooke-Taylor and Willie Thingy who will probably play Graeme... Barry... the other two. The chairman is that trumpeter bloke, and there's a pianist involved."
"Every day this week at this time you can lie back and enjoy half an hour of fun. Alternatively, you can listen to I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. Panellists culled from Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, Clint Eastwood, Kenny Everett, Graeme Garden and Willie Rushton."
As Mayhew-Archer comes to the end of his tenure, he thinks of a new way to meddle with the listing - actually changing the show's title, making for some deeply surreal listings:
"I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue II: The sequel to last week's programme."
"I'm No Longer Sorry I Haven't a Clue and Why Should I Be?: The new, tough antidote to panel games. Mike 'Hard Man' Harding, Willie 'Rough Diamond' Rushton, Graeme 'Grouchy' Garden and Tim 'No Opposition' Brooke-Taylor are all unpleasant to chairman Humphrey Lyttelton..."
"I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue How to Set Out a Cast List: withTi Mbrooketaylor, Will Lierushton, Step Hen Frybarr Ycryer, ttocS wehttaM namriahC NOTLETTYL YERHPMUH..."
"Clint Eastwood: is The Man With No Part in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. Instead, Humphrey Lyttelton has to put up with Barry Cryer, Willie Rushton, Stephen Fry and Tim Brooke-Taylor. Pianist: Vladimir Ashkenazy or Colin Sell (whichever is available). Producer: Nobody worth mentioning."
"Having Fun with Goats: In the interests of public decency, this programme has been replaced with I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, in which Tim Brooke-Taylor, Willie Rushton, Graeme Garden and Mike Harding talk about having fun with donkeys."
"I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue Who's In This Programme - So There! Producer: Can't remember."
"The antidote to panel games with Frank Barber, Edward Morris, Judith Brown, Simon Platt and the rest of the studio audience. Chairman: The Man in Charge. Pianist: The Man Who Plays the Piano. Producer: The Man Who Seems to do Damn All."
Yes, that episode actually was billed in the Radio Times as "Clint Eastwood"! Having gone out in this blaze of glory, Mayhew-Archer was succeeded in 1987 by Paul Spencer, who happily kept up the tradition:
"The antidote to panel games, starring Barry 'Barry' Cryer, Graeme 'Graeme' Garden, Willie 'Willie' Rushton, Tim 'Tim' Brooke-Taylor. Chairman: Humphrey 'Humphrey' Lyttelton. On the piano: Colin 'Colin' Sell. At the back: Paul 'Extra Name' Spencer."
"Bob Says I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue: Young talented performers new to radio. Each could become a star. Which one will win and who cares?"
"Special twenty-five years since 1962 edition."
"Pencil case special edition. Ruler: Barry Cryer. Rubber: Willie Rushton. Compass: Graeme Garden. Protractor: Tim Brooke-Taylor. Pencil Case: Humphrey Lyttelton. Musical Pencil: Colin Sell. Zip: Paul Spencer."
"To celebrate the close of the cricket season, the team play the West Indies. With Barry 'Googly' Cryer, Willie 'Stumps' Rushton, Graeme 'Whip Off His Balls' Garden and Tim 'Oh What a Glorious Stroke' Brooke-Taylor. Table Umpire: Humphrey Lyttelton. Interval music: Colin Sell. Bats: Paul Spencer."
Unfortunately, midway through Spencer's tenure as producer, the listings revert to a bog-standard 'antidote to panel games' listing and nothing else. However, they make a return when Jon Magnusson briefly takes over as producer in 1990, usually following this set format:
"Special Green edition. Recycled jokes from Tim Brooke-Taylor, Willie Rushton, Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer. Wind-powered chair: Humphrey Lyttelton. Biodegradable piano: Colin Sell. Organic waste: Jon Magnusson."
"Special libel edition. On trial: Tim Brooke-Taylor, Willie Rushton, Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer. Judge (Pickled): Humphrey Lyttelton. Court minstrel: Colin Sell. At the bar: Jon Magnusson."
Mr Magnusson then also sadly chooses to switch to a standard listing, not even describing it as "the antidote to panel games"! Jon Naismith takes over as producer shortly after, but also elects not to bring back the funny listings at first. That's a real shame, because apart from the idea of sneaking in an extra joke into the programme's listings being a great idea (I feel like I've just read a scriptbook of deleted jokes from the show), they also provide important historical context: you can see when Mornington Crescent was first deemed important enough to get mentioned in the listing. And initially the listings keep up the semi-pretence that the show is actually a serious competition, with mocking references to the 'grand final' for the last show in the series that slowly get phased out.
However, this is not quite the end of the story, as specially written listings do make a return in 1993, roughly coinciding with the decision for the programme to start touring rather than coming from the same studio:
"Join Humphrey Lyttelton and the regulars for some hand-tooled quality entertainment."
"This week the programme is invited to Bury St Edmunds... with hilarious consequences."
"Once again, the programme comes from the showbiz capital of the south - Bury St Edmunds."
They disappear again not long after, although this week's recording venue is usually still mentioned, with occasional fleeting mentions such as the last in the series being "the final showdown", harking back to the mock-pretence of the eighties. But I've only reproduced a sample of the funny ones above, so do search the Genome to see the rest of them. They're great fun.
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