The Silliest Post About Adventure Gamebooks Imaginable

In the third GrailQuest gamebook, Gateway of Doom, one of the new spells Pip is given in their Second Spell Book is Pip's Amazing Legume Spell, which will give an automatic Friendly Reaction from any attacking vegetable. (Ordinarily, a Friendly Reaction requires you to roll three dice for yourself, and one die for your opponent; if the combined total of your three dice is lower than your enemy's single roll, they're friendly and you can proceed as if you'd won. All spells only require a roll of 7 or better on two dice to succeed.)

You may very well think that this is quite a specialised spell which doesn't come into play much.

You may even think that J. H. Brennan included it solely to set up the joke that if you accidentally rescue a Vampire Carrot (which takes quite a bit of effort on your part, incidentally) it turns out such an absurd spell is the only thing that can save your life.

The Sickest Character in Comics

In January 1988, the Beano strip chronicling the adventures of Dennis the Menace's pet pig, Rasher, was retired... and since its replacement was being drawn by the same artist, David Sutherland, there was a rather unusual handover, with The Germs and Ill Will appearing in the last strip before taking over the page completely the week after.

(Both strips shared not only an artist, but also a writer -- John Kemp, who also wrote Minnie the Minx, Ball Boy and Gnasher and Gnipper at the time. Kemp is a fascinating character who began writing for D. C. as an 18-year-old¹ in the 1980s and departed in the early 90s to become a mature student at Dundee University, during which time he was also elected to Dundee City Council and served as education convener.)

The first 'proper' strip, initially titled The Germs, was afforded two pages:

In the Bushes

This is something that has confused me for quite some time. In a speech given on 27 January 1992, George H. W. Bush gives a speech in which he says "we need a nation closer to the Waltons than the Simpsons".

The producers of The Simpsons rush out a response appended to a repeat of "Stark Raving Dad" a few days later, where the family watch the clip on their TV, to which Bart responds "hey, we're just like the Waltons. We're praying for an end to the depression, too".

However, an alternative version of the clip exists, which uses footage of Bush at the 1992 Republican National Convention later that year, where he repeated the line (as "...to make American families a lot more like the Waltons and a lot less like the Simpsons".) This is most notably seen in documentaries such as the "Bush vs. Simpsons" featurette on the Season 3 DVD, but I was not sure of its origin.

Last Roll of the Dice

The label on the jar has ripped and hangs half off. When she folds the torn piece back into its proper position, the blood drains from your cheeks. You are eating from a jar of Mutant Meatballs! 

Mutant Meatballs were concocted originally by an apothecary from Throben aligned to a rebellious Prince of Brice. On discovering their effects, they designed a plan of conquest. These potent little balls taste delicious, but are quite deadly. They wreak horrible mutations on whoever tastes them. The Prince of Brice planned to seize the throne, his troops manned by experimental mutants, bred for their bizarre powers. And you have just eaten a handful of the balls! Slowly, you will begin to mutate. What will happen to you? The effects are never predictable, usually harmful, sometimes fatal and sometimes useful.

If you are foolish enough to eat from the larder of the Mampang Fortress in the fourth book of Steve Jackson's Sorcery!, The Crown of Kings, then you should roll two dice and turn to the section given to determine what happens to you.

Cracked

Some scans in this article contain racist caricatures.

Shortly after the closure of Buzz, D. C. Thomson decided to have another go at launching a new weekly humour comic for children. It would do things a bit differently from its immediate predecessor: whereas Buzz had been in A3 size, the new comic would be A4, allowing it to boast 32 pages of comics and features. Although it didn't have a regular cover star, instead featuring a large splash panel promoting the characters within, it would feature a character that did not really have a strip of his own, but rather served as the comic's host, not dissimilar to some titles by rival publisher Fleetway of the time. It would prioritise gags, and lots of them, and include several points of reader interactivity.

The first issue of Cracker was on the shelves in January 1975, just two weeks after the conclusion of Buzz, but this title was destined to have an even shorter run: just 87 issues, across twenty months.

I have an issue from just after the halfway point here, number #51, and -- along with some examples of stories that had already been phased out by this point -- I'm going to well and truly scan it in.

Songs in the Key of Doom

This is the first of the four maps you use to navigate the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead in the third GrailQuest gamebook, Gateway of Doom. You start in room 65, the one with the four secret doors, and will eventually want to make your way over to 80, where you will find a map showing the remainder of Level I.

As you may have noticed, you can't get to 80 without passing through 100 no matter what route you take, and in 100 there's an unavoidable fight with a monster who is guarding a chest containing the key to the Gateway into the Ghastly Kingdom, which you need in order to close and lock it at the conclusion of the book, so stopping the spread of monsters and plagues and whatnot passing through the Gateway into Avalon.

Buzz Words

In January 1973, D. C. Thomson launched a new weekly humour comic for children into a market that already looked pretty crowded; they were already producing the Beano, Dandy, Beezer, Topper and Sparky at the time, and to introduce a sixth comic into this mix seems ambitious. Like its stablemates the Beezer and Topper, Buzz was published in A3 size, making it twice the size of many other comics of the time, but this didn't mean it would be a big hit: just two years and 103 issues later, Buzz would become the publisher's first mayfly when it closed.

A mayfly which I am now about to pin and mount to the wall. (I don't think that's what you do with mayflies, but just go with it.) The issue I have scanned in is from just over halfway through its life, number #59.

Coach and Horses

The second Lone Wolf gamebook, Fire on the Water, is quite heavy on setting up the series' lore, and features an expansive plot where Lone Wolf must travel halfway across the Lastlands to retrieve the fabled Sommerswerd. Perhaps because of this, there are a few moments where it seems to struggle to fit everything into 350 sections.

During one sequence, you travel by coach to Port Bax, with five other passengers -- Ganon and Dorier, two brothers who are knights in the Order of the White Mountain; Halvorc, a merchant; Parsion, a priest; and Viveka, a young adventuress for hire. The journey is interrupted by your discovery that one of the five is an assassin in the pay of the Darklords; after you survive an attempt to serve you a tray of poisoned food during a stopover at a tavern, you storm into the bar where they are all waiting, are asked which one you think is your would-be killer, and do battle with them. (Take a look at the illustration that accompanies this section, and you should be able to spot the vital clue as to who the Darklord agent is even without the context of the rest of the book. Even the picture above might be enough.)