The Robot Wars Poetry Collection

I’ve discovered that, scandalously, there is nowhere on the Internet that collects every single rhyme Craig Charles signed off Robot Wars with on one page. Enjoy.

“From the show that’s bigger than Roseanne’s drawers, goodnight, God bless, from Robot Wars!”

“When the Terminator sits down after finishing his chores, he has a ‘hasta la pizza’ and he watches Robot Wars!”

“From the show that’s scarier than Jaws, you’ve been bitten, by Robot Wars!”

“You don’t need spots, or boils or sores, to be a fan of Robot Wars!”

“We break Health & Safety laws, we’re on fire, we’re Robot Wars!”

“If you need a potion that hair restores, you’re too old for Robot Wars!”

“I’ll show you my robot, you show me yours, the biggest one wins on Robot Wars!”

“Godzilla devoured forty floors, but we’d chop him down to size on Robot Wars!”

“Warning all countries, defend your shores, you’re being invaded by Robot Wars!”

“Freddy Krueger may have his flaws, but he’s an eager fan of Robot Wars!”

“We’ve got more presents than Santa Claus, but the beards are real on Robot Wars!”

“TV censors can put in their oars, but they can’t touch us, we’re Robot Wars!”

“If you get excited by sightseeing tours, you’ve probably exploded watching Robot Wars!”

“All I can say is cue the applause, you’ve been watching Robot Wars!”

“They don’t like losing, they don’t like draws, we’ve found a winner on Robot Wars!” [This was the sign-off for the Series 2 final, and a very similar one was used for the following year’s final: “We don’t like losers, we don’t like draws, we’ve found a winner on Robot Wars!”]

“Thanks for watching our Grudge Match Special, that’s all the scores we’ve got time to settle. Now remember, we don’t suffer fools and we don’t like bores, but we do get even on Robot Wars!”

“You’ve seen the axle grinders and the circular saws, now you’ve seen the best of Robot Wars!”

“You’ve seen the flamethrowers and the circular saws, now you’ve seen the making of Robot Wars!”

“Wimps draw lots, the softies draw straws, but the tough draw a line on Robot Wars!”

“It’s the only show Uri Geller adores, because we do twist metal on Robot Wars!”

“If a tiger gets angry he’ll show you his claws, but we’ll show you flamethrowers on Robot Wars!”

“Forget about bullfighting and those brave matadors, ‘cause we always see red on Robot Wars!”

“You know what they say about mother-in-laws, but mine’s not half as scary as Robot Wars!”

“They say it never rains but it always pours, but we reign supreme on Robot Wars!”

“The Earth was once ruled by the great dinosaurs, and we’ve still got one left on Robot Wars!” [In reference to heat winner Steg-O-Saw-Us]

“James Bond had his fun with Pussy Galore, but he only got a rise out of Robot Wars!” [This doesn’t rhyme.]

“Stand well back, keep your pets indoors, there’s always fireworks on Robot Wars!”

“We’re not anoraks, geeks or bores, we’re just addicted to Robot Wars!”

“You can smell the cowpats in the great outdoors, it’s like the smell of fear on Robot Wars!”

“If you think you can beat us you’re clutching at straws, because our robots rule on Robot Wars!”

“You can grovel and beg when you’re down on all fours, but we’ll show no mercy on Robot Wars!”

“When your gran’s watching telly, she normally snores, but she shouts ‘Bash ‘em senseless!’ at Robot Wars!”

“It’s the show RoboCop deplores, because we’re good after three sequels of Robot Wars!”

“The neighbours are banging on the studio doors, because we won’t keep the noise down on Robot Wars!”

“Clint Eastwood was the fastest of all the quick draws, but we’re good, bad and ugly on Robot Wars!”

“Who cares about the ozone, or if the icecap thaws, we’re environmentally unfriendly on Robot Wars!”

“You can forget about asteroids and those huge meteors, because the world’s being hit by Robot Wars!”

“Just when you think the world is yours, some nutter’ll fight you for it, on Robot Wars!”

“Some strange things happen behind closed doors, but nothing quite so wicked as Robot Wars!”

“You can ask for robot presents off Santa Claus, but you’d better ask for mercy on Robot Wars!”

“You can stick your vegetarians and your old carnivores, because we only eat metal on Robot Wars!”

“We had hundreds of robots banging on our doors, but only the best get on Robot Wars!”

“You can keep your Chihuahuas and cute Labradors, because we only have pitbulls on Robot Wars!”

“I’ve heard a few wolf-whistles and a good many phwoars, because there’s only good-looking robots on Robot Wars!”

“Beware competitors who’ve got glass jaws, we don’t throw our punches on Robot Wars!”

“If there’s one thing that your television license ensures, it’s robot mayhem, it’s Robot Wars!”

“Your dad might hit the ceiling when he hears the footy scores, he’ll do himself a mischief watching Robot Wars!”

“We don’t use camera tricks or hidden trapdoors, the danger’s for real on Robot Wars!”

“We’ve got our own rules, and we’ve got our own laws, but controversy reigns on Robot Wars!”

“The crowds go mad when Robbie Williams soars, but it can’t match the screaming on Robot Wars!”

“One of my favourite bands is The Doors, but we’ll really light your fire on Robot Wars!”

“It’s the show that Alice Cooper ignores – he can’t do heavy metal like Robot Wars!”

“If you look in a tepee you’ll find Indian squaws, wishing they had a telly to watch Robot Wars!”

“You can hear the French screaming ‘Zut alors!’, it means they’re blumming scary on Robot Wars!”

“We’ve chosen two of my favourites, I hope they were yours, will they survive the final of Robot Wars?”

“Two robots are ready to enjoy the applause, but will they clap out in the final of Robot Wars?”

“Start the fires, cue the applause, we’ve found ourselves a winner on Robot Wars!”

“They may have stars on their dressing room doors, but it won’t stop the battle scars on Robot Wars!” [This was at the end of the Celebrity Special.]

“If your partner’s not scared of circular saws, team up and go mental on Robot Wars!” [This was at the end of the Tag-Team special.]

“There are prettier ways to settle old scores, but they’re not as much fun as Robot Wars!”

“From a robot that’s prettier than all of the Corrs, pure annihilation, on Robot Wars!” [This was in reference to Razer.]

“They fought long and hard, and they battled for the cause, and they’ve reclaimed America for Robot Wars!” [This was at the end of the War of Independence special, where UK robots fought US robots.]

“Steel Avenger is suffering from low self-esteem, Behemoth keep the Extreme belt, on Robot Wars Extreme!” [Many of the Extreme sign-offs were in reference to the closing bout. I’ll provide context where necessary.]

“If you ever wondered if robots dream, they dream about fighting, and going Extreme!”

“They came to Britain with their suntanned dream, but they got tanned on Robot Wars Extreme!” [In reference to the ‘International Inferno’ that closed the show, which was won by the UK competitor.]

“The gloves were taken off, the score was settled as we’ve seen, but there’s plenty more where that came from on Robot Wars Extreme!”

“Of all our armed forces one must reign supreme, and we’ve found out it’s the RAF, on Robot Wars Extreme!” [This was at the end of an Armed Forces-themed fight.]

“Now, Plunderbird can’t sing, but there’s one thing I’m not, and that’s big, and bad, and mean. So Plunderbird can sing us out of Robot Wars Extreme!” [This prefaced this fantastic musical experience.]

“Their robot may be battered, where once it used to gleam, but they’re Annihilator champions on Robot Wars Extreme!”

“They’re built like Tyson but they move like Naseem, and they’re here on Robot Wars Extreme!”

“Out of all our robots we choose the cream, here on Robot Wars Extreme!”

“They took on all the world to represent our shores, and they’re still the reigning champions on Robot Wars!” [At the end of the Second World Championship, where Razer successfully defended the title.]

“Those magnificent men in their fighting machines have won a proper war, on Robot Wars Extreme!” [This was at the end of the Armed Forces Special, which was won by the Royal Navy. No, I don’t know why they had an Armed Forces-themed fight at the end of one episode and then a dedicated Armed Forces special in the same series either.]

“Smell the flames, the gas, the oil, the steam, it smells like Robot Wars Extreme!”

“We were looking for a mighty flipper, big and bad and mean, and we found it here in Thermidor, on Robot Wars Extreme!” [This was at the end of the Flipper Frenzy, to determine which flipper robot was best.]

“They may be a nice and passive team, but not on Robot Wars Extreme!”

“We’ve found the biggest, the best, the baddest tag-team, here on Robot Wars Extreme!”

“Spirit of Knightmare had an awful dream – it dreamt it’d just been battered on Robot Wars Extreme!”

“One angry robot has realised its dream, the all-star of all-stars on Robot Wars Extreme!”

“Forget imitations from foreign shores, we’re the first, we’re the best, we’re Robot Wars!”

“In days gone people feared outlaws, but now they fear the robots on Robot Wars!”

“Folks complain about the Dome and other eye-sores, but we like getting ugly on Robot Wars!”

“Forget your Waterloos and your Agincourts, there’s only one battle, that’s Robot Wars!”

“William Tell made noise with his overtures, but we make more on Robot Wars!”

“The world is governed by rules and laws, but we burn the book on Robot Wars!”

“If you’re going to burn a robot then Diotoir’s the one to burn on Robot Wars!”

“It’s the most fun a robot can have indoors, it’s here, it’s now, it’s Robot Wars!”

“See the crowds, hear the roars, they love a little bit of Robot Wars!”

“I don’t know what wiped out dinosaurs, but robots get wiped on Robot Wars!”

“Posh people drive those 4x4s, but there’s real off-roading, on Robot Wars!”

“Dim the lights, cue the applause, you’ve been watching Robot Wars!”

“They haven’t broken down, they’ve fought their cause, and they’ve made the final on Robot Wars!” [In reference to Razer, which had suffered three breakdowns in a row in the heats prior to this series.]

“Another robot that everyone adores has made the final of Robot Wars!”

“They’ve got the trophy, cue the applause, we’ve got a brand new champion on Robot Wars!”

“It’s still the most fun you can have indoors, it’s back and it’s bad, it’s Robot Wars!”

“It’s off to the garage, and the electrical stores, to repair the damage from Robot Wars!”

“We’ve had some surprises and real uproars, now Chaos 2 are out of Robot Wars!”

“When S3 fights it always ensures there’s a right old mess on Robot Wars!”

“If you think our robots can be had by yours, then come and have a go on Robot Wars!”

“You can keep your Botox injections and expensive manicures, because there ain’t nothing pretty about Robot Wars!”

“Once again Tornado has blown through the doors, destroying all in its path in Robot Wars!”

“Humans replaced the dinosaurs, but the next stage of evolution’s Robot Wars!”

“Pity the man who has to sweep up the floors, we’ve made a right old mess on Robot Wars!”

“You don’t need spots or boils or sores, and you can’t wear an anorak on Robot Wars!” [‘Interestingly’, a mash-up of two previous sign-offs from Series 2 & 3.]

“When Hypno-Disc spins and the motor roars, get out of the way, it’s Robot Wars!”

“Bigger Brother’s spoken, it’s laid down the laws, another robot is evicted from Robot Wars!” [The first half of this may be a reference to 1984; the second half is surely a reference to Big Brother, which the robot predated.]

“Lots of other robots have got mighty claws, but Razer’s is the best on Robot Wars!”

“Terrorhurtz are close to getting their paws, on the UK championship of Robot Wars!”

“Light the fireworks, cue the applause, we’ve got a brand new champion on Robot Wars!”

“For international relations, that fight ensures, that all is fair in love and Robot Wars!” [This was the sign-off for the UK vs Germany special, which had been declared a draw.]

“They’re the best of the best, the real hard-cores, the real All-Stars of Robot Wars!” [For some reason, the second series of Extreme was never identified as such onscreen.]

“Light the fires, scream your applause, they’re still the All-Star champions on Robot Wars!”

“Six robots came, five were shown the doors, ‘cause only one can reign supreme on Robot Wars!”

“They’re all off to watch their grubby little paws, it’s dirty business, this Robot Wars!” [This was at the end of the Minor Meltdown, a show where all the robots were driven by children.]

“They’ve thrown away the rulebook, they’ve broken all the laws, but they’re Tag Team Terror champions on Robot Wars!”

“If you think these new robots are not as good as yours, put your money where your mouth is on Robot Wars!”

“If you’ve got a robot that can join our cause, I want to see it here on Robot Wars!”

“Put it down on your list of chores, build a robot for Robot Wars!”

“Untried, untested, with a few design flaws, but they’ve come and done the business on Robot Wars!”

“All our New Blood robots have risen to the cause, but Storm 2 are the champions on Robot Wars!”

“You don’t have to be a heavyweight to knock down doors, we’ve got a middleweight champion on Robot Wars!”

“They’ve taken on all-comers, they’ve settled old scores, and they even get to keep the belt on Robot Wars!” [This was at the end of the Challenge Belt.]

“The fairer sex came through our doors, but weren’t that gentle on Robot Wars!” [This was at the end of Iron Maidens, a show where the robots were all driven by women.]

“The exams have been graded, we’ve totted up the scores, and this lot can graduate from Robot Wars!” [This was at the end of the University Challenge special, where all the robots were representing universities.]

“After all the fighting one country roars, it’s the Commonwealth champions of Robot Wars!”

“Light the fires, scream the applause, we’ve got a European champion on Robot Wars!”

“The moral of the story is, if you’re sticking your claws, it’s best to leave them there on Robot Wars!” [Pretty much all of the Series 7 ones were in reference to the final bout.]

“Poor old Big Nipper couldn’t get his claws, around the grimmest of Reapers, on Robot Wars!”

“They can flip a robot higher than 15 floors, is it Dantomkia’s year, on Robot Wars?”

“Gravity defies all of Newton’s laws, because when it goes up, it comes down in pieces on Robot Wars!”

“Once again the Tornado has blown down the doors, the reigning champions are back, on Robot Wars!”

“Lots of robots have circular saws, but we’ve found the daddy on Robot Wars!” [The ‘daddy’ in question was heat winner X-Terminator.]

“If you ever see a farmer sucking on straws, he’s dreaming of tactics for Robot Wars!” [Heat winners Atomic were all farmers.]

“Get down to your garages and electrical stores, and build yourself a robot for Robot Wars!”

“If I was you, I’d stay indoors – there’s a Storm 2 brewing on Robot Wars!”

“We’ve had a right royal rumble, and Thermidor’s in the series semi-finals on Robot Wars!”

“There were cats and dogs with metal paws, but the dog had its dinner, on Robot Wars!” [In reference to the animalistic heat final between Bulldog Breed and Kat 3.]

“It’s one robot you won’t find in the stores, but it’s done itself proud on Robot Wars!”

“Tough as Nails finally got the chicken in its jaws and gave it a one-way ticket out of Robot Wars!” [Tough as Nails fought Robochicken in the heat final.]

“Of all the surprises and all the uproars, Spawn Again had a Knightmare on Robot Wars!” [Spawn Again – the clear favourite to win the heat – had lost the heat final to Raging Knightmare after the ram powering its flipper literally exploded.]

“Typhoons strike, and Iron Awe’s just been blown out of Robot Wars!”

“They seem such a lovely couple but no-one ignores, the damage they cause on Robot Wars!” [The heat-winning team of Firestorm V was made up of the recently engaged Graham Bone and Hazel Heslop.]

“X-Terminator has silenced Bulldog Breed’s roars, and they’ve made the grand final of Robot Wars!”

“Atomic melt down, the Typhoon roars, into the Grand Final on Robot Wars!”

“There’s a new terror in the warzone, so cue the applause, we’ve got a brand new champion on Robot Wars!” [The championship had been won by a new entrant for the first time since Series 2.]

“Six robot came through the warzone doors, but only one survived on Robot Wars!”

“They’ll go down in legend and robotic folklores, we’ve got an All-Star champion on Robot Wars!”

“They came from all around the globe to fight for the cause, now we’ve got a new World Champion on Robot Wars!”