R.I.P. J.H.

As a small tribute to J. H. Brennan, who I was very sorry to belatedly learn went to 14 last month, I would like to share with you section 123 from the third GrailQuest gamebook, Gateway of Doom, which I read not long after discovering the concept of adventure gamebooks when I found a boxset of the first three books in a second-hand bookshop, and is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

There's a man eating plant in here.

The plant he's eating is a carrot and it's screaming for help. This Ghastly Kingdom gets more like a loonybin every step you take.

'Help!' screams the carrot.

'Ignore it,' remarks the man, with a friendly nod in your direction. 'This is one of the most appallingly evil carrots ever to pollute the face of the globe. I shall die instantly when I finish eating it, but I willingly sacrifice myself for the good of humanity which will be all the better for the demise of this evil carrot.'

'I'm not evil! I'm not evil!' shouts the carrot. 'I am a beautiful young princess bewitched by an Invisible Wizard who haunts this Ghastly Kingdom. Please rescue me!'

'You will be making a terrible mistake if you try to rescue this carrot,' says the man mildly. 'It's a vampire carrot.'

'He's lying,' shrieks the carrot desperately.

But is he? Or is it? Or are they both? Desperately you look around for some clue to help you make your decision. Your eye catches a prominent notice on the southern wall. It says:

RESCUE THE CARROT!

You reach for EJ, but then you catch sight of a second notice on the western wall. It says:

DON'T RESCUE THE CARROT!

You allow your hand to fall away in confusion. You glance upwards. A huge poster painted on the ceiling says:

PLAY YOUR XYLOPHONE!

Which seems as sensible a course as any in this lunatic situation, provided, of course, you brought an xylophone.

So what will you do?

If you decide to rescue the carrot, go to 112.

If you decide to ignore the whole affair and try to find a saner room, go to 143.

If you happen to have an xylophone with you and feel like playing it, go to 149.