Scenes From the Dwarf

The Penguin 60s range, as published at some point in the mid-late nineties, was a series of pocket-sized books about various subjects. The range included cookbooks, retellings of ancient myths and, in this case, a selection of Red Dwarf script extracts, billed in Grant Naylor’s introduction as “the least unmemorable scenes”, and also containing material cut from the broadcast versions. We were still a good few years away from actually getting to see the deleted scenes through the magic of DVD, so this was definitely the book's biggest attraction when first published. As part of my continuing commitment to write about things that are of interest literally to me and me alone, here is an analysis of the book’s contents.

(NB: I was working from transcripts of the broadcast episodes to compare to the script extracts. If anything here happens to be wrong, it's entirely the fault of whoever wrote said transcripts.)

Camille

This is the opening scene – “no introduction needed”, so say Grant Naylor, and who am I to argue?

There are a few tweaks to the broadcast version – “break your programming” has a “man” thrown in after it that’s not in the scriptbook, and the “small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden” line is not preceded by “It’s a b… it’s a b…” in the book. (A similar thing happens to the Bolivian navy on manoeuvres moments later.) Rimmer’s “Twenty minutes” also becomes “twenty-five minutes”. (I’m not going to note every single tiny little thing like this.) All very nip-and-tuck stuff.

Quarantine

This is Kryten, Lister and Cat returning to the Dwarf to discover they are quarantined (up until “I think our only hope’s the Potato King”). Space Corps Directive 597 is named in the episode, but it is 595 in the scriptbook; in the same line, ‘Listy’ changes to ‘Lister’. Lister’s speech about how they’re not going to get on each other’s nerves is preceded by “Listen, guys” in the episode, which it isn’t in the scriptbook, which also names the ‘Boys from the Dwarf’ hand gesture as the ‘Red Dwarf posse sign’. It also clarifies that Rimmer’s yell during his ‘little test to see if you’ve gone crazy’ is meant to be him bellowing like a moose. Otherwise, the extract is again pretty much what was broadcast.

The Last Day

This begins with Kryten beginning to put his things into storage. In the episode Kryten has led a “relatively interesting life”, as opposed to a “reasonably interesting life” in the scriptbook. Kryten was apparently originally meant to deliver the line “you have to die with me” in an ‘insane voice’, according to the script, but this isn’t apparent in the broadcast version. For the first time, this extract includes material absent from the broadcast version, much of which turned up on the DVD release around seven years after this book was released. What was cut is in bold:

KRYTEN: Joke. Deadpan mode.

LISTER: Joke? How can you joke?

KRYTEN: Oh, I’ve had a good innings. Perhaps I never scored a century, or even hit a boundary. But I’ve snicked a few away to silly mid-on.

LISTER: Aren’t you smegged off? I’d be mad as hell. If some git in a white coat designed me to croak just so that he could sell his new android with go-faster stripes. I’d be livid, man.

KRYTEN: To tell the truth, sir, I’m quite sanguine. In many respects, I’ve been most fortunate. These eyes have seen many things. These ears have heard many things. These feet… well, these feet haven’t done very much, actually – I only fitted them last week, but you get the point.

LISTER: Are you scared?

KRYTEN: Well, I’ve never been dead before, so obviously I’m a little nervous. But once it’s happened, I’m sure I’ll get used to it.

LISTER: So what happens?

KRYTEN: At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disc will be activated and all mental and physical operations will cease.

LISTER: Then what?

KRYTEN: I don’t know… maybe I’ll get a job as a disc jockey!

LISTER: Will you stop cracking these feeble smegging jokes? How can you just accept it?

A little while later, during the Silicon Heaven exchange:

KRYTEN: For is it not written in the Electronic Bible, “the iron shall lie down with the lamp”?

LISTER: Shouldn’t that be “the lion shall…”? Forget it.

(This line was presumably cut for over-explaining the joke.)

KRYTEN: Don’t be sad, Mr David. I’m going to a far, far better place, where the photocopier can rest its weary paper tray, and the laser printer never runs out of toner.

In the next scene with Rimmer and Lister:

LISTER: He doesn’t seem to be bothered. That’s what narks me. Just keeps on doing his stupid smegging duties.

RIMMER: What can we do? He’s pre-programmed to self-destruct! Nothing we can say or do can stop it.

“One last big smegging night to remember” changes to “the best smegging night of his life” in the scriptbook, and shortly thereafter the scene ends.

Emohawk

(Referred to by that in the book rather than its full title, oddly enough.) It kicks off with Rimmer congratulating everyone on the new record time for scrambling. The version on the DVD’s deleted scenes reel is peppered with extra dialogue, much of which can be found here and which I’m not going to bother typing up in full: “One fifteen if we had it without Marmite”, about a page’s worth of unused material between “Oh, for a really world class psychiatrist” and “Check your screens…” continuing the discussion of great military leaders and their haircuts, and all the talk about the Cat’s unreliable nostril. Space Corps Directive 68250 changes to 91237 in the book, oddly. Then there’s the material about Lister facing the wrong way, “we’re deader than kipper ties”, an old Cat saying about losing a good friend, and another huge chunk where Kryten speculates that the Space Corps Enforcement Vehicle’s logic chip is also scrambled. It ends with “looks like you do have to tell me twice”.

Timeslides

The scene kicks off with the Dwarfers first entering the photograph of young Lister’s band. “I’ll catch you guys later” is in the broadcast episode but not the script and, intriguingly enough, was later cut from the Remastered version of the episode. There’s an extended bit in the scriptbook when Young Lister is informed he does not make it as a rock star:

YOUNG LISTER: You what? That’s just totally impossible! It cannot be! We’re already sort of nearly semi-pro at the moment, and we’ve already got a definite guarantee of probably getting a recording contract, possibly. How can we fail?

The script extract ends as the Dwarfers return to the ship, minus Young Lister’s “What a nice guy!”

Holoship

This episode’s got a bit of a reputation as having had over 10 minutes lopped out in the edit; this is essentially the lift scene with Rimmer and Nirvanah, up until Rimmer leaves to return to the Dwarf, as it appears in its uncut form on the DVD’s deleted scenes (with the scenes back on Starbug with Binks not in the scriptbook).

Kryten

Lister’s preparing to go on the pull as we join him in this extract.

• Lister comparing Rimmer to “the one whose mum does use new biological Biz” is in the transmitted episode, but not the scriptbook’s version.
• There’s then an extra bit in the book where Rimmer suggests that when they meet the crew of the Nova, Lister could happen to mention that he died and he was incredibly brave about it, though.
• The Cat’s gold space suit is described in the stage directions as “like something Armani would design”; whether the production succeeded is up for people who know more about the fashion world than me to judge.
• After the Cat describes himself as “a plastic surgeon’s nightmare”, the scriptbook has an extra line: “Throw the scalpel away: improvements are impossible!”
• Holly has an extra line about his toupee: “So it’s not undetectable, then? It doesn’t blend in seamlessly and naturally with my own natural hair?”
• After Lister reveals the truth about Rimmer’s two pair of socks, in the transmitted version Rimmer quickly takes off his cap and lays it in his lap, whilst the scriptbook’s version calls for him to cross his legs.
• As they board the Nova, Rimmer is meant to mouth to Lister “Ace, Ace!” in the scriptbook.
• Extra Cat dialogue when they first meet the skeletons: “Hi, baby! What’s happening? Did anyone ever tell you, you have lovely eye sockets? Let’s jump in a hot tub, we could make great soup together.”
• The controversial ‘Chicken McNugget’ line – which has the sound dipped on ‘Mc’ in the original version for copyright reasons, but is restored to its full version in the Remastered version – is just given as ‘nugget’ in the scriptbook, presumably also due to copyright worries.
• The scene where Kryten is in Blue Midget’s rear, where Lister tells him he’s got to start a new life, takes place on the Nova in the scriptbook, and then the extract ends.

Out of Time

The beginning of the episode is retold in the scriptbook. There’s a tiny bit where the Cat starts to smell danger before the autopilot alert. Other than that, it makes for a rather dull end to this article as it is completely identical to the broadcast episode in any respect.

Conclusions: Well worth the one pence it’s currently going for on Amazon.